I Was Marinading in Pain

I was on a podcast recently, talking about who I was before my life changed, and a word came out of my mouth that I have not been able to stop thinking about.

"Marinading."

I said it and I meant it. I was marinading in pain.

I was a Christian woman. I built a business around the message of beauty born from struggle through faith. I even carried scripture in my heart. But underneath all of that, I was soaking. Steeping. Letting the acid and oil of hard things seep into the meat of me, altering the flavor of everything I was.

"That is what a marinade does. It does not just coat the surface. It changes what is inside."

I was stuffing down my feelings, afraid to admit how I really felt. Day after day, circling dutifully in quiet contempt, resentment, and disappointment. I was so focused on the "struggle" part of beauty-born-from-struggle I had forgotten that beauty was the point.

I thought I was holding it together. I was dissolving who I was.

The kingdom of God is within you.

Luke 17:21

That verse is where everything shifted for me.

God is not waiting for you to get your life together before He moves in. He is already inside the very thing you are standing in. He is the pearl inside you. He is the miracle you keep rushing past on your way to somewhere else.

"When I am the oyster, God is the pearl within. He is not the reward at the end of the pain. He is the source of love, comfort, power and grace in it."

Today, I know to let others be themselves. I am no longer trying to manage what I cannot control. I am no longer soaking in what was never mine to begin with. No more striving, pleading, hoping, or trying to control.

My fear of failure, and loneliness is gone. 

I know that I am a beloved child of God. I know His truth, and His way. I can think, feel, and express myself honestly. And I will tell you that it is a loveliest, most powerful place to be. 

My eyes are on the pearl within me.

My heart is with God.

I am protected and guided and loved, not because I earned it, but because of who He is.

It took the shattering of my whole life to realize it, but I'm so glad it happened. When everything was taken away, I found the pearl within. 

Are you soaking in unspoken pain? 

Have you let the acid around you seep into the meat of you because you think there is nothing more that you can do?

You do not have to keep marinading.

You can choose the way out by choosing what is within.

You can choose the kingdom of God already inside you, already whole, already full of the love you have been craving your whole life.

The pearl is not at the end of the story. The pearl is within you right now.